How to Address Grief at Work
Business isn’t personal.
Throughout my career, I’ve heard that cliche. It’s wrong—business is personal.
Employers ask employees to "bring your whole self to work every day." Bring your best, joyful, creative, business-minded self the moment you step through the door. But suppose you bring your very human self, i.e., sorrow, anger, anxiety, uncertainty, doubt of self-worth? In this case, there seems to be a disconnect. Employees feel stifled. It seems that, maybe, you shouldn't bring your "whole" self to work; bury the pain—for the "company good."
What if employers welcome the true whole self? Is this an uncomfortable concept? Difficult to imagine? It should. As employers in corporate culture, we're not taught how to simply "be with" an employee's struggle. It requires courage, compassion—and skills.
Many managers and leaders lack the emotional skills to deal with a grieving employee. Often they "give space" out of respect. They believe it's kind not to bring up a death, but in effect, it creates an unexpected contrary feeling. This emotional reservation can feel like a personal rejection for a griever—an invitation to leave. The lack of recognition feels heartless. Something they'll never forget.
Employers have few options. You could create assistance programs that often circumvent the matter. Connect the grieving with therapists where they may feel diagnosed as if something is wrong. Have employees take time off until they are "better," maybe "cured" of their grief. If the goal is to further disengagement, these options work. They push your best employees out the door and leave them with a bad taste in their mouths. All this happens during the worst moment of their life, a very normal human event that will happen to each of us.
So, what does work?
Plan for grief
Grief is guaranteed to happen to your employees. Much like you have developed a strategy for maternity and paternity leave, develop a plan. Brene Brown says, “Clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” This transparency will ensure equity and consistency, as well as clarify values.
Consider a benefit policy that addresses death: end-of-life planning, paid time off for grief, and consistency:
End of life planning: It’s shocking how many people don’t have life insurance or a will. Support your employees in being prepared. Talk with your employees about these topics and bring in reputable partners. Consider it a perk—it is—for when the worst eventually happens.
Paid time off: Bereavement leave is an old hold-over of funeral leave. One day to travel, one day for the funeral, and one day to return home. Today, the average bereavement leave is four days. When my husband died on a Sunday and I would have been expected back on Thursday. It’s laughable. Currently, companies do not give employees any leave for grief. Instead, grieving employees must advocate for time off; this often requires a diagnosis of some form. And we wonder why grievers think something is wrong with them? Give grieving employees flexibility similar to paternity leave. It could be paid time off that they can use up to a year after a significant loss—on their terms and in their time. Some people are more close to friends and pets than their own family; bonus points if you allow employees to choose which deaths are most significant to them.
Consistency: It’s time for HR to eliminate the case-by-case basis for all grief situations. There are broad strokes that can be decided and communicated, such as planning and PTO. This will ensure equity across the board and give managers the tools they need to be fair and compassionate.
Train managers
It’s not your fault if you don’t know how to be with someone in grief. We were not taught. Not at school, not in manager training, and not on the job. These skills must be learned—it’s doable.
Advocate for training. Confirm that new manager training includes how to be with employees when something terrible happens. Give new managers the tools and skills to feel confident in those difficult moments. These are the skills needed for the future of work. Ensure every leader and HR professional has been trained. Additionally, this is what people want: investment in their growth as humans and as leaders.
Expect temporary performance changes
When someone is in acute grief, it's as if they have taken on another full-time job. Grief is physiological, relentless, and takes up much of your mind's thought processing. In the early months, it can be overwhelming. It’s simply not possible to continue business as usual.
The conversation won't be easy and it’s important. It’s imperative that managers prepare for a grieving employee to not be able to continue with the same workload as before. This may be temporary—it’s necessary to adjust. Figure out what should remain on the to-do list and what should fall below the line. Clarity is important, even if it is awkward and uncomfortable. The grieving employee will likely become a loyal one with this kind of transparency.
Benefits of Support
Your organization is built on the hard work of real people, often experiencing loss and grief. When managers choose to welcome their colleagues’ grief, share a small bit of that mental burden, it proves that the efforts of every employee are valued. That the whole person is accepted when they walk through the office doors, or log into their conference calls. Plan for grief, train your team, and adjust expectations of the grieving, and your employees will feel that support.
Reach out for more tips or check out my LinkedIn Learning course: Supporting a Grieving Employee: A Manager’s Guide.
Read more about dealing with grief.
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