Season's grievings. How to deal with holiday grief.

"Spend joyful time with your loved ones this holiday!" a retail ad celebrates. I wince in pain. 

After the death of my husband Steve in 2015, the thought of the empty chair where my husband once sat enjoying his favorite holiday brings anxiety. Pulling his stocking out of the holiday decorations box gives me an indescribable heartache. And as the traditions carry on without him, I spend the fall and winter wondering how I will get through it. 

Merry and bright. Cheer and joy. Lights and loved ones. This is what we see reflected in the media and stories of the holidays. To a griever, the gratitude and festivities are a neon Las Vegas style reminder of what once was—an activation of sorrow, anxiety, and isolation that doubles down through Winter. 

Here's what you can do as a sympathizer and here's what you can do as a griever. 


Check In:

  • If you are the griever, check in with yourself daily—hourly even. Ask yourself, "What do I need in this moment?", "What do I want?" I put my hand over my heart so that I really focus on my needs, not the demands of those around me. 

  • If you are not grieving, check in with grieving friends and family members. Regardless of the time passed, holidays can activate many grief waves. Ask a griever how their heart is feeling or who they miss most. Be curious. Most grievers love to talk about their person. Tears are okay. 


Triple Down on Taking Care of Yourself:

  • When the energy of the holidays is like a giant vacuum sucking you dry, we must be proactive. Right now, schedule into your calendar extra sessions of whatever gives you energy, whatever fills your bucket. For me, it's extra walks, baths, and an early bedtime. What brings you energy? Do it.

  • If you are supporting a griever, consider gifting them energy-enhancing experiences, such as a massage. An afternoon hike, drive to the beach, or a meal made by you can take one day off of meal prep. 


Give Yourself Grace:

  • Grieving is a full-time job on top of all of our other jobs. Holidays bring an additional layer of work for all of us, and we simply must give ourselves grace. 

  • When we are grieving, especially acute grief, we can't do what we could do before. Our capacity changes because so much of ourselves is overcome with grief. That's okay. It won't be like this forever. Every day, take a moment to breathe and to remind yourself that you are present with your grief. Bathrooms make a great place to escape at any time. 

  • Change things. There is no tradition police. If traditions with your loved one don't feel right, don't do them. Give yourself permission to make a change—it could be temporary. Take one holiday at a time and decide what feels right. And if you do go with the previous traditions, give yourself a plan B—the ability to change your mind up to the last minute. We don't know how we will feel when it happens so plan an escape route. 

Acknowledge that the holidays are very rough on grievers; that's the most critical part. It can bring up anxiety, sorrow, anger, and many more emotions. Our loved one is gone, and the holiday season can be a string of bright, blinking, and blinding reminders of that fact. It's okay that you or they are not in the spirit. 

Sending love,

Leslie

P.S. Consider taking a course on how to deal with grief. Here is a link to a course that allows you to go at your own pace.

This can be for yourself or you can send it as a gift.

 
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Leslie Sagalowicz Barber - Founder of Grief Warrior
Leslie Sagalowicz Barber - Founder of Grief Warrior

Leslie’s husband, Steve, died on June 21, 2015 - the longest day of the year, and the worst day of her life. Cancer. Steve’s death devastated Leslie and their six-year-old daughter. She turned her deeply personal expertise in grief into a company that brings recognition, respect, and reconnection to the grieving.

Leslie has spent the last two decades either running her own business or supporting other entrepreneurs with running theirs. She is a professional coach, trained by the world-renowned Co-Active Training Institute, and has an MBA from the Kellogg School of Management.

Reach out to Leslie via Linkedin or email: leslie@agriefwarrior.com

Read more about dealing with grief.

 
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