What to say when someone dies

You know what to say when good things happen. Happy birthday! Congratulations on your engagement! How wonderful that you were promoted!.

When the worst happens, you second guess. You want to say the right thing, be attentive, provide words of comfort. Then you wonder, "If I say this, will it make them feel worse?", "Is this offensive to say?", "Out of respect for what they are going through, it's best that I treat them the way I normally do." So, often, we say nothing, and for the griever, the silence is deafening. It's worse.

As a widow and a corporate grief coach, the most common question I get is, "What do I say to someone when their loved one dies?" We were never taught what to say, and no role model showed us how to act. It's no wonder that we don't know.

What to say.

Take a moment to think about the person who grieves. Think about their loved one. This is first before you say anything.

If you know the person who died.

What memories do you have of them? Is there a story or an anecdote that is quintessential to their personality? Write this down, be as detailed as possible. Describe the surroundings, the location, the people, the smells, every detail you can remember. Use these notes to write a letter, personal message, or inscription on a card. For the griever, the details convey the importance of their loved one for you and them. Even if the memory feels small to you, it will feel significant to them.

If you didn't know the person who died.

Save yourself from saying the wrong thing by asking questions. What would you have liked to have known about them? If you have friends in common, ask questions related to stories and activities they shared together? Questions give the griever a chance to talk about someone they love dearly. Jot down a few questions you might like to ask and make sure you only ask questions to which you are willing to hear the answers.

Ease their pain.

It's an awkward and painful situation—it's tough on the griever too. Talking to a griever is difficult; you may find yourself taking the easy route of cliches as a sympathizer. Take a moment to ask yourself:

Does this bring more comfort to me and my thoughts on death and dying, or does it actually comfort the griever?

Here are three examples of platitudes that, while well-intentioned, are not helpful:

"Everything happens for a reason."

It gives the sympathizer an excuse for what happened. "There must be a reason, right?!" Well, no, not necessarily. When my husband died, this question tormented me. Endlessly, I wondered the reason he was snatched from my daughter and me. Easily set down by a sympathizer and carried by a griever for years. Not helpful.

"They're in a better place."

It's a pleasant notion to imagine a loved one is in a better place; but for a griever, this statement may be harmful. Grievers may wonder, "Wasn't their best place next to me? Next to their children or parents? Why wouldn't it be?"

"They wouldn't want you to be sad."

Although meant kindly, this is a selfish statement that makes assumptions of the feelings of those not alive. It uses guilt to disregard grief, keeping a moment comfortable for the sympathizer and providing them with a sense that they helped provide a solution. People are fixers - we are solution experts that fix things every day. Grief is not meant to be fixed; it's meant to be carried - it’s a partner of love.

Grief is not a problem to be solved.

It's essential to accept that you can't problem-solve grief. Grief is a result of loving someone that has died and something that has ended. And grievers may not want to lose that feeling. In this context, would you want to cheer it away or distract them from love? It's best to focus on words and actions that will bring recognition and respect to the grief and to the griever. Here are a few ideas:

Name the grief.

Look the griever in the eyes and speak their grief out loud. Use the name of the person who died (“I know you are missing Hunter”). Say the event that took place (“Losing your job must have been very hard”). Speak to the end that took place (“Having to close your business must have been devastating”). Or about the change (“It sounds like you really miss the community you have left”). Name the elephant in the room straight out. This can be hard, you can do hard. You'll also be surprised by the freedom that comes with speaking this truth.

Acknowledge.

Repeat back what you have heard. Don't offer advice or give suggestions for doing grief better. That doesn't land well. A griever is a whole person that can handle things, remind yourself of this. Your role is to simply witness and acknowledge. For example, when the griever tells you they can't sleep, resist giving them vitamins and tools you have used to sleep. Instead mirror their feelings and thoughts, "It sounds like you are so exhausted because sleep is tough right now." Validation.

Gift properly.

Humans are sympathetic by nature; we want to do something. For grief, that often means sending a gift, usually flowers. I have spoken to many grievers who love flowers on happy occasions but they are difficult to receive in times of grief. Flowers are dying. For someone whose loved one is dead, this can be an unwelcome reminder. Flowers bring work. Finding a vase, cleaning up the dead leaves, throwing the flowers away. Consider what might be validating to the griever. And if you need tips, check out Heartfelt Sympathy Gifts.

Grief is hard on everyone, but especially on the griever. It takes extra care to show up with love, recognition and respect. Share with us what has or has not been helpful for you.

Featured

Leslie Sagalowicz Barber - Founder of Grief Warrior

Leslie’s husband, Steve, died on June 21, 2015 - the longest day of the year, and the worst day of her life. Cancer. Steve’s death devastated Leslie and their six-year-old daughter. She turned her deeply personal expertise in grief into a company that brings recognition, respect, and reconnection to the grieving.

Leslie has spent the last two decades either running her own business or supporting other entrepreneurs with running theirs. She is a professional coach, trained by the world-renowned Co-Active Training Institute, and has an MBA from the Kellogg School of Management.

Reach out to Leslie via Linkedin or email: leslie@agriefwarrior.com